Unable to help with the immediate situation, and the hospital room being a little over crowded with all the professionals trying to work on my husband to determine the next steps in his care, I left and went and stood by the doorway where I silently broke down and cried. I was overwhelmed and devastated by the situation. The day shift nurse saw me and came over, hugged me and said it would be ok. I think I just needed someone, anyone, to hold me and let me cry. For so long I tried to be courageous and strong for the both of us, but I was tired and worn out and felt helpless at this moment.
If you knew me, you would know that when I am worried or stressed about something, I sometimes just need some time to think things through and the solution for what to do always comes to me. This was the stressed out phase. I left briefly to let the doctors finish up. I went somewhere quiet and cried a little more, then went to the cafeteria and bought that all important cup of tea. I told myself, I needed to calm down, get a grip and think. This was not the worst thing that could of happened. His dying would of been the worst thing. I needed to focus on the positive. So even though this was unexpected, like anything else in life that comes your way, you deal with it head on. I repeated silently in my head, "If there's a will, there's a way. If you've got the will, you will find the way." I said it over and over again until I started to feel a little stronger and more confident in myself. I had to look forward and concentrate on how to help Neil and continue to support him, just like in our marriage vows, to death due us part. We would fight this like everything else and come out on top as always, I told myself. I also said another prayer as I felt we needed all the help and support we could get.
I arrived back at the room just as the ICU team leader said they were going to send Neil down for a CT Scan and then he would go for an EEG and if needed they would sent him for an Angiogram. I went with him to CT Scan and waited in the waiting room. Then went with him to the EEG appointment and sat by his side through the procedure. After this they took him back up to his room. A few hours later one of the doctors stopped by and said, as odd as it appeared, that there was no damage anywhere to be seen on the CT Scan and the EEG showed he had not suffered any seizures. So they decided not to go ahead with the Angiogram. They said they would take more blood and run more tests and check back with us in the morning. Neil was baffling people with these unpredictable episodes.
Our kids showed up to visit and bring me some more tea. It was good to see them, as I needed a break. So while Neil napped we all went down to the cafeteria. Just as we were getting ready to leave, an announcement came over the overhead, "Code 66 on unit 82...Code 66 on unit 82." Oh my God I shouted, that's your Dad's unit! I ran for the elevator the kids quickly following behind me. I raced to the unit and to his room, fearing the worst, but all was well. The code was not for Neil this time. I rushed into the room and the nurse asked if I was ok. I am now I told her. I think I just lost five years off of my life and gained a dozen more white hairs. I was so frantic that I thought my heart would stop at any moment it was racing in overdrive. I sat in the chair to catch my breath and held onto Neil's hand stroking his arm.
Well 10:30 pm and Neil was falling asleep, I said goodnight and let him know I would be back first thing in the morning. I drove home, climbed into bed and cried myself to sleep. I was just so over tired and did not know how much more of this I could take.
Join me tomorrow for yet another surprise that would shock everyone...till then, Tori.
Amazing Blog !!
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