They finally had a bed for my husband at the hospital in Edmonton. We arrived, Neil exhausted and not feeling well. We checked-in and of course no one knew who we were or why we were there. They said they did not have a bed for him and tried to send us home! I told them we didn't live in Edmonton. So, they told us we were to go sit in the waiting room until they could get it figured out. Three and a half hours later they finally called us and said they had a bed. My poor husband was beyond being able to walk anymore and we had to take him upstairs in a wheel chair.
Yup, he had a room and a bed, sort of. It was a room with two regular hospital beds that were already occupied, pushed apart to accommodate a small stretcher slid up in the middle between them. This was to be his home for the next several days. A narrow stretcher with a hard mattress. I tried to stay positive as he really needed to see this Specialist.
After returning from another scope of his bladder the Specialist came by to give us the news. He told us that there was a large tumor inside his bladder that they figure blocked the ureter tube that goes up to his kidney and in turn this caused everything to back up and him to become Septic (have blood poisoning). The doctor said they were going to remove the tumour, scrap out the cancer, and take a biopsy or two so they could see what grade of cancer was growing. All of this would determine the next steps in his treatment.
A few days later, the doctor was back with the results. He was very blunt and told us it was not good news. Neil had a high grade cancer and they found it was not only in the bladder but was already starting to grow up inside the ureter tube heading for the kidney. Treatment options...it really came down to only one that was feasible. With a situation like this and the remote location of where we lived, he told us they recommended removing the entire bladder, prostrate, several lymph nodes, and that they would be taking his ureter tube and kidney as well. Also, as part of the procedure they would have to make an ostomy out of a part of his bowel so from then on he would pee into an external ostomy bag which you attach to your body.
WOW!! Huge news, hard to swallow, mind numbing, can't breathe, shock, and fear all at once. We told the doctor we wanted to have the surgery done in Calgary since that is wear most of our children were and it would be better for us to be around family for support. The doctor agreed and made the arrangements. Then we were told it would be another two months before we would get the call to go in for the surgery. Another long wait, while his life was on the line.
We went back home to Fort Simpson. There was what felt like a ton of paperwork to do to apply for long term disability, etc. Neil was weak and tired a lot. Friends came by to help me put our furniture together and start putting away all of our belongings so we could get settled into our new home. As the days and weeks past I watched my husband go in and out of depression. His mood changed throughout the day. One minute he seemed happy and the next he spoke of his impending death. He even insisted we had to buy a Will Kit so he could do up his Will. I told him he was not going anywhere, and that we could handle whatever came along. I also told him I did not want to hear him speaking like this, he was not to give up or think that he was going to die. "Oh, I don't think I am going to die," he said. "I know I am going to die." Neil was hardly ever sick in his life and was a dedicated worker who loved his job. For him to be home feeling so defeated and in his opinion useless due to his body becoming so weak, it was understandable that he felt the way he did. This was very overwhelming and difficult to deal with each day. The worry and stress of it all was also taking it toll on me. I at times broke down and cried and told him I needed him to fight this. I could not imagine life without him, please don't give up. Fight this!
The trip we had been planning for his 60th birthday to Europe was obviously on hold but we did speak of it now and then. I heard Neil on the phone one day telling someone about our planned vacation for his birthday and how angry he would be if he died and didn't get to go on this trip. Ah ha, something that he really wanted that he could focus on to help remain positive. I was not the one with the cancer but I did share his grief and feared for our future.
To relax I would pour that wonderful soothing cup of tea (English Breakfast Tea) and would sit with my puppies by my side at the kitchen table working at my computer on my children's books. I had now found an illustrator that I really liked and was excited to know that she was working on my project. My book was finally coming to life.
With Christmas just around the corner, we packed up our stuff and headed to Calgary where we spent the holidays with our family. I didn't say anything to Neil, but when I packed our belongings I also packed our burial/funeral papers. Years ago we pre-bought our funeral packages. We did not want to leave our children with the burden of this expense. I felt so guilty bringing this with me after pressuring Neil to stay positive. But the reality was he may not come home with me and I feared I would need them.
Then, the all important phone call came. Neil was booked for surgery on January 3rd. This whole situation which had felt like one big bad dream, was definitely now a reality. This date meant either an end or a new start for our lives.
I would love to hear from any of you who have a similar situation to share. Until next time, take care, Tori.
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